Suffocated.

I'm at this point of my life whereby everything seems to fall apart.
I've been given much and expected to return much...
I can't seem to manage my time well enough nor do i feel able to juggle with so many commitments.
I'm really really tired and i want a break.
but this is not the time...
I'm probably gonna have to slog till the end of the year.
but i'm really tired and i dunno if i can last till then.
i'm so confused, aiming for diff goals, trying to get things right.
and i feel so breathless, so suffocated with all these work and commitments i jud dun feel like doing anything.
and the worse part is, i dun have the rights to even complain.
and i'm too afraid to share. too afraid that i might have to give up something.

and it doesn't help when i have so many opportunities but yet i didn't do anything well...
it jus discourages me and makes me feel so incompetent.

Just reminiscing

Reminiscing

Sitting there thinking what went wrong

Couldn’t figure if the fault was mine or yours

Well, history repeats itself

So I guess the problem must lie in myself

Didn’t think it mattered anymore,

But I was wrong.

It matters for it leaves me hanging

With a question in my heart unanswered

I don’t talk about it.

I don’t talk about us.

And I don’t know how to go about saying it as well.

The memories

They aren’t sweet but neither are they bitter.

And all I know is they lie in this part of my heart

That I left untouched

Looking at the pictures in my hand

I feel these mixed feelings that are so messed up

No word can describe

Like I was trying so hard; desperate

To fit in and be part of everybody

Only to end up pleasing nobody.

And all my smiles in those pictures are nothing but a façade.

The mask that hid all my insecurities and the tears that wet my pillow

Night after night

Perhaps my desperation for attention and acceptance was too loud

But I remember wishing only for a smile or a “hi”

But all I ever got was a shrug or plain silence

I can totally picture you say “oh, She wasn’t really part of us”

And I can do nothing but know that deep within that is true.

I remember on a bus ride home

The thought of you let my tears rolled uncontrollably down my cheeks

You ought to know that I treasure you more than any guy; any relationship.

Yet my cry for acceptance was left ignored.

Perhaps you don’t remember or maybe I’m just significant in your life

But what we went through sticks with me even till now.

It made me lose confidence and trust in myself, in people around me.

I learned that I should stop pleasing people, I learned that I shouldn’t be too hard on others.

I learned that I should remain silent most of the time, I learned to depend on myself.

I learned not to lean on others, I learned that I shouldn’t be too trusting

I learned not to be too whiny or troublesome

Most of all, I learned that I am quite a messed up person

And I don’t deserve to be loved.

The dilemma...

ok, whatever written here is solely my opinion...
so if I happen to offend anyone, I apologise. But its definitely unintentional.
Just a little warning, if you are highly sensitive about religious issues, I suggest you do not read this post.


Just a little background info..
I kinda grew up in a Buddhist/ Taoist family and I've been in countless prayers or rituals.
I don't exactly consider my family pious but they are firm about offerings and practices on certain important occasions. 
I pray and "follow tradition and practices" because I was taught and told to so since i was little.
Nothing much to do with believing, really. 
Ironically, I end up attending a missionary secondary school.
That's when I start to know more about the bible and stuff..
So I do know a fair bit about both religions and after a lot of thinking I told myself one day that when I turn 21, I'm going to break free and be a free thinker.
Free from any kind of religion or faith.
And I do still think this way.


Recently, a friend of mine took me to service.
It was kinda like an impromptu thing... not planned or anything.
I made new friends there and got to know my friend better as well.
Its a bit like a social thing.
And before i know it, this week is going to be my 4th time there and 3rd time in service.
(I missed the 2nd service)
Last week was special because there was a performance so I was there for that.

Then it struck me. A question I couldn't answer.
I have no idea why I kept going week after week.
I just like hanging out with them.. I dunno why.
The truth is, I don't even know them well enough...
It jus occurred to me that perhaps I shldn't keep going...
I mean, it doesn't feel right to go to church week after week despite knowing that I wouldn't convert.
There's this like "then what are you doing here?" kinda feeling..
Its not like I'm going to church to see if this time I'm ready to accept God into my life
that would have been better, really.
But it jus feels so wrong to go there, KNOWING that I'm not gonna convert.
And I just feel so bad each time they ask newcomers to accept Christ at the end of each service..
Because I know that despite my attendance, I wasn't gonna raise my hand.
Its alright if it was my first time. I didn't feel bad then.
But after that, the second then the third, man the feeling is horrible.
It is really easy to jus wanna say "Yes" but when I think of the consequences, I have all the reasons in this world to hold back.


I dunno if I shld go this week..
I wanna hang out with those peeps but when I think of the little session at the end of service, I think twice.
To add on to my dilemma, one of my friends is singing during worship this week and have asked me to go and show some support. Trust me, I really wanna show some support.
So do I go or not?
I feel really bad, but at the same time...
I dunno.. this is really more than choosing the colour for your nails...

Just saying...

Is it me or do one gets increasingly sensitive as one grows older?
I rmb having a heart of stone when i was younger..
nth seemed to move me...
then as i got older, i started to cry more.. and feel more..
there were lotsa stuff that i could keep within me and suppress it..
i was kinda proud of that...
but now it seems kinda hard for me..
is my willpower failing me? i dunno...
i feel so ironic..
i know i can't have it but i can't stop thinking abt it...
i know i wanna be strong and steady but the truth is, i'm in fact more emotional and sensitive than i think i am..
more than what ppl think..
i have this default 'fierce' aura but i'm actually not that hard to talk to..
i may seem ok with alot of things abt myself but in fact i have alot of insecurities...
scared..alot of times..

i wanna stay true to myself and true and sincere towards everyone...
yet there are things that i dun wanna let out and there's always this wall around me, acting as my shield..

why think and feel so much when there are alr so many things to do right?
the problem with me is, i can't do things 100%  right if i'm emotionally disabled..
and it sucks. 

Just a short one

UK trip was awesome..
learnt a lot really.. and met some awesome ppl as well..
i'm really glad that our fellow classmates are now closer and more bonded
and meeting ppl frm other classes was really cool too:)

now i have to study for mid-years.. dun have much time left but i'll have to try..
feeling kinda tired though..

Irony..

I know I can't have it...but sth in me craves for it

for what reason I dunno...

I just can't seem to stop thinking abt it...

For AHSCHOIR... my family~

SYF 2011 AHSCHOIR : Gold without the honours

Thats right.. we didn't manage to get a GwH this year 
and I know all the sadness and disappointments are inevitable..
almost everyone cried their eyes out and those that didn't couldn't bring themselves to..
I understand how they feel. I've been there. And if I were them, I'd probably cry even more..
I'll be lying if I say I'm not sad or disappointed...
But the thing is, I'm not disappointed with them... I just feel that they deserve more than what they got.
In fact, I'm proud of them and I'm sure all the seniors are..
Because we know that they've tried their best and we believe in their capabilities..


Despite all the negative and gloomy stuff, the most important thing is for the choir to see that this award isn't everything and there are things greater and better than that.. 
Perhaps this little setback is necessary for the choir to grow and see that awards aren't everything...
Just look at all the facebook comments and posts before and after SYF...
Its just really heartening and it really shows that we're truly a family..
And I'm so proud of those wonderful juniors for they didn't forget to thank their leaders and teachers for their hard work despite all the disappointments they are feeling...

So choir, pick yourselves up and look forward to your next goal..

For some of you, maybe the disappointment will linger in you for awhile..

But you have to move on and know that

You're worth much more than a G or GwH or just any title people put on you...

Because AHSCHOIR is THE choir and AHSCHOIR is family~

Trust me. Go around and ask the alumni and you'll know that there's nowhere else like AHSCHOIR..

I believe in you guys, I have faith in all of you and I know you'll soon move on to greater things..

I love AHSCHOIR and I'm proud to be an AHSCHORISTER (Its a lifetime membership)...

Like I said, the greatest miracle that ever happened in my life is that I'm part of AHSCHOIR...

And I'm sure I'm not the only one on this...

A certain R******** organisation at R****** C*** mall...

Started working for a certain "R" organisation some time ago...
conclusion: they're quite screwed up.. all the glam the public sees is just a cover..

was contacted on tuesday night 10pm and asked to start work 11am on wednesday...
yep.. so it was kinda last min.. nonetheless, I was kinda excited..
afterall, its my first job right? well, until I arrived at the security check point..
It killed half my mood... I wasn't briefed on what to do or where to go..
So I felt kinda retarded trying to find my way to START WORK..
Knew nothing abt clocking in and out, didn't even know what a punch card was, much less operate the machine.
Had no idea how to register or get a promoter badge, what to bring, what not to bring etc..
basically I was like a sotong.. the best part is, EVERYBODY knew (they said it in my face) that I was new.
BUT NOBODY bothered to help or at least give some guidance...
the security guard knew I was new, but gave me attitude and practically screamed at me cuz he was irritated that I didn't know anything and was taking too long to register... (like I'm suppose to know!)
Spent at least 20 mins at the check point and during that period of time, there were at least 20 ppl entering and leaving the check point..
NONE of them bothered to help... NOT even the MANAGER....
when I got screamed at by the security guard, those ppl either #1 watch the show..
or #2 ignore and get on with their stuff...
which is more irritating? I have no idea.. it just kinda says alot abt the environment there right?

Unlike usual companies that have a set of rules, they don't...
What are the rules and regulations? the dos and don'ts?
Well, let's just say that you'll have to trial and error and when you get scolded, you'll naturally know what's disallowed... I mean, what sort of organisation don't have a list of rules and regulations?
and they just tell you off as if you're SUPPOSED to know what you did was against the "rules"?
What? they have some sort of unwritten rules or sth?
Just kinda shows that they're kinda screwed up right?

And you have some "senior" bitcing abt you like 3m away frm you and they think you can't hear them..
I mean like, ok, so we're all humans and we all bitch abt stuff...
but to bitch abt somebody so badly and turn arnd and be all nice and friendly when you just bitch abt her just 30 sec ago is just plain disgusting...

how did I survive? ACT NAIVE.
I kinda made them think that I'm nice to bully and blur like sotong...
you know, just act innocent...
sometimes, you just can't show that you're too smart...

this is just part 1... there's another branch I worked at... another security guard story..