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have u ever dreamt of sth rilly bad...
and it became a reality?...
i once dreamt tat all my frens & family would leave me one day...
for no apparent reason, they just kinda dump me...

this dream seems to be comin true...
i can see tat it is..
i dunno why but ppl doesn't seem to accept me...
i can surely say tat i can get along fine wiz anyone....
but de prob is tat they have issues wiz me...
i never understood why ppl can have no frens...
i used to tink its cuz they themselves didn't put in de effort to socialise...
but now i noe.. its not how much u try... its whether they want to accept u..
i used to feel tat i have loads of frens...
but now i dunno...
i've rilly tried to fit in...
it is so pschologically & emotionally demanding...
honestly, i'm alr pretty tired...
i dunno if i shld carry on wiz this...
u guys give me de impression tat
" u can join us if u want, if u can catch up wiz us,gd 4 u. if u leave, or can't catch up. or die, too bad 4 u.... we dun rilly care..."
i dunno if i shld pull myself away frm this...
on one hand, we still have to work together 4 quite a while in future....
which is why i've been trying to fit in... and i noe u guys are not nasty ppl...
but on de other hand, sometimes i rilly wish i can jus stop talking to u guys...
cuz i feel so left out, uncomfortable, an unhappy cuz i'm jus lyk a transparent vase...
u guys probably dun notice it or tink tat i'm over-reacting...
but u dun realise it and u dun understand, jus lyk how i never did....
until u're in de situation urself....
i dun despise or hate any of u...
but i jus feel left out and unimportant...
not tat i rilly want attention..
i jus dun wish tat i'll be labeled as "officially outcasted"
by one of my fav grp of frens...
if theres anything wrong wiz me, at least tell me or let me know...
cuz i dunno why i'm feeling this way...
even my closest fren...
i noe tat u love to hangout wiz them as much as i do...
and i noe tat u'll rather hangout wiz them than me...
theres nth wrong wiz it...
i jus feel lyk we're drifting apart..tats all...
sometimes when we all hangout together, i can't help but ask myself
"what am i doin here?" " am i being an extra?"
i dunno... i see u guys almost everyday....
and i dunno wat to do whenever i see u guys..
though i usually try to put on a smile and play arnd...
u guys never know how i feel...
and de most heartbreaking thing is tat u guys revolve arnd my passion...
tat passion is one of de things in my life tat propels me forward...
and i believe we all share de same passion... but i dunno wat went wrong...
u probably tink tat i'm thinking too much or maybe a bit hurt by this...
i'm sry.. but i'm jus sharing what i feel...

some of u may have noticed that i've been pretty dazed and spaced out recently...
tats cuz other than this, i feel de same 4 my family too...
i feel lyk... " ok, if u can catch wat we're talkin, great. if u can't, too bad and wateva..."
in conversations, i sometimes feel ignored and "extra"..
have u ever felt tat ppl give u de impression tat u're not needed here and wateva...?
well, i feel de same....

i hate all these feelings... its uncomfortable and can rilly spoil my day..
i dun speak of all these cuz none of u wld have understood...
lyk i said, u will only know if u have been in my position be4...
history is really repeating itself...
de experience in P6 was so "memorable", i totally transformed into another person...
in sec one, de situation in P6 repeated but of a diff form...
in sec 2, i totally broke down...
currently in sec 3, wonder if it wld be another record...
all these revolve arnd de same theme-friendship..
i really wonder if this time round, de prob still lies wiz me...
perhaps... i must be quite a sucky person..
i'm really sry if this have offended u in any way....
i dun mean it.. in fact, i rilly appreciate all of u...
or i wldn't have cared....
i tink its pretty obvious who i've been referring to...
but pls dun make wild guesses...
i hope this will not harm our friendship...
its only a way 4 me to let all my feelings out...
as u can see, this affects me pretty badly...
cuz loneliness is one of my greatest fears....