The dilemma...

ok, whatever written here is solely my opinion...
so if I happen to offend anyone, I apologise. But its definitely unintentional.
Just a little warning, if you are highly sensitive about religious issues, I suggest you do not read this post.


Just a little background info..
I kinda grew up in a Buddhist/ Taoist family and I've been in countless prayers or rituals.
I don't exactly consider my family pious but they are firm about offerings and practices on certain important occasions. 
I pray and "follow tradition and practices" because I was taught and told to so since i was little.
Nothing much to do with believing, really. 
Ironically, I end up attending a missionary secondary school.
That's when I start to know more about the bible and stuff..
So I do know a fair bit about both religions and after a lot of thinking I told myself one day that when I turn 21, I'm going to break free and be a free thinker.
Free from any kind of religion or faith.
And I do still think this way.


Recently, a friend of mine took me to service.
It was kinda like an impromptu thing... not planned or anything.
I made new friends there and got to know my friend better as well.
Its a bit like a social thing.
And before i know it, this week is going to be my 4th time there and 3rd time in service.
(I missed the 2nd service)
Last week was special because there was a performance so I was there for that.

Then it struck me. A question I couldn't answer.
I have no idea why I kept going week after week.
I just like hanging out with them.. I dunno why.
The truth is, I don't even know them well enough...
It jus occurred to me that perhaps I shldn't keep going...
I mean, it doesn't feel right to go to church week after week despite knowing that I wouldn't convert.
There's this like "then what are you doing here?" kinda feeling..
Its not like I'm going to church to see if this time I'm ready to accept God into my life
that would have been better, really.
But it jus feels so wrong to go there, KNOWING that I'm not gonna convert.
And I just feel so bad each time they ask newcomers to accept Christ at the end of each service..
Because I know that despite my attendance, I wasn't gonna raise my hand.
Its alright if it was my first time. I didn't feel bad then.
But after that, the second then the third, man the feeling is horrible.
It is really easy to jus wanna say "Yes" but when I think of the consequences, I have all the reasons in this world to hold back.


I dunno if I shld go this week..
I wanna hang out with those peeps but when I think of the little session at the end of service, I think twice.
To add on to my dilemma, one of my friends is singing during worship this week and have asked me to go and show some support. Trust me, I really wanna show some support.
So do I go or not?
I feel really bad, but at the same time...
I dunno.. this is really more than choosing the colour for your nails...