Just reminiscing

Reminiscing

Sitting there thinking what went wrong

Couldn’t figure if the fault was mine or yours

Well, history repeats itself

So I guess the problem must lie in myself

Didn’t think it mattered anymore,

But I was wrong.

It matters for it leaves me hanging

With a question in my heart unanswered

I don’t talk about it.

I don’t talk about us.

And I don’t know how to go about saying it as well.

The memories

They aren’t sweet but neither are they bitter.

And all I know is they lie in this part of my heart

That I left untouched

Looking at the pictures in my hand

I feel these mixed feelings that are so messed up

No word can describe

Like I was trying so hard; desperate

To fit in and be part of everybody

Only to end up pleasing nobody.

And all my smiles in those pictures are nothing but a façade.

The mask that hid all my insecurities and the tears that wet my pillow

Night after night

Perhaps my desperation for attention and acceptance was too loud

But I remember wishing only for a smile or a “hi”

But all I ever got was a shrug or plain silence

I can totally picture you say “oh, She wasn’t really part of us”

And I can do nothing but know that deep within that is true.

I remember on a bus ride home

The thought of you let my tears rolled uncontrollably down my cheeks

You ought to know that I treasure you more than any guy; any relationship.

Yet my cry for acceptance was left ignored.

Perhaps you don’t remember or maybe I’m just significant in your life

But what we went through sticks with me even till now.

It made me lose confidence and trust in myself, in people around me.

I learned that I should stop pleasing people, I learned that I shouldn’t be too hard on others.

I learned that I should remain silent most of the time, I learned to depend on myself.

I learned not to lean on others, I learned that I shouldn’t be too trusting

I learned not to be too whiny or troublesome

Most of all, I learned that I am quite a messed up person

And I don’t deserve to be loved.